Oh, dear. As I sit here at 10pm on a Saturday night when I should be working on a Sunday School lesson for tomorrow.....I keep crying. It doesn't help that I've been reading all kinds of IF blogs....of women who have been blessed with a baby....finally. I understand their pain of being infertile & relief at finally being pg, but then wonder if I have the right to claim that. I'm so blessed....so incredibly blessed to have my 2 girls....I've hugged them close today.....touched their hair, kissed their cheeks, tucked them into bed. But I want one more baby.....just one more.....do I have the right to ask for that? Do I have the right to be so fearful that this clomid cycle won't work, when I've been SO blessed? Regardless of the answer to that question, I am asking for it...praying constantly for it. Please, Lord, bless this cycle. Let it end with a beautiful BFP. I'm practically begging in my prayers these days. I'm sitting in tears writing this, because I want to be pg again SO badly. My Darling doesn't really get it....I don't think. He's a wonderful man, but he is a man....they just deal with things SO differently from us, don't they? I showed him the + opk's and the BDing that followed was......passionate & beautiful. I LOVE that man! Because of that I think he is excited about us trying to have one more baby & that maybe that BDing actually had a shot at succeeding!! But he doesn't talk about it. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking this path alone....and then I'll ask him if he's excited about being in the 2ww (finally!) & he'll say..."yeah", but then he'll kiss me a little longer & pull me closer than usual & I think..."My Darling IS excited!" I just wish those moments came more often!
Back to the "Oh, dear" that started this rambling! I'm already anxious! I just want to know...did I really O? and....am I pg? This is our 10th cycle & our 13th month of ttc miracle #3.....it's been hard to say the least. My best friend in the whole world is already pg with her 3rd....she did this to me with our 2nd's too. I don't see her (she lives in another state), but even talking with her right now is painful. Too much morning sickness talk & "I'm already showing!".....I'm so happy for her! I'm so glad that she gets pg SO easily! But it doesn't make it any easier for me to deal with my infertility. And her advice to "just let God bless you in His time" feels like a slap in the face. There are times to be still & wait on the Lord & then there are times that He wants us to move & take action!! I was still for 9 cycles & 12 months....now is the time for action!
I also have a situation with my SIL that is very heavy on my heart....I won't bore you with all the details, just a few! She has a friend who is....well, let's just say I only know ONE person who likes said friend & that's my SIL. NO ONE else likes her....not even her own husband. And my SIL insists on doing things with this woman when she has Little Miss with her. NOT COOL. Darling is supposed to have a talk with her "soon". And then I'm sure we'll (Darling & I) have to have a heart to heart with said friend....my advice to Darling is that we do it with our pastor as a mediator. There is NO way I'm sitting down to talk with "the friend" without having an impartial party present. NO WAY. The sad thing is...she's a member of our church. I've never had a problem like this with anyone before. She is a gossip, troublemaker, never speaks nicely about her DH & is downright rude & mean to her only daughter. I do NOT want Little Miss being influenced by someone like that....EVER. So, that's what has led us to this impass. Please pray for wisdom for Darling & myself....we must do whatever we need to to protect Little Miss, but I'd like to keep from burning bridges in the process, if at all possible.
So, I have the normal strain of the 2ww, plus lovely extended family issues. Lord, help me.
