This is hard....

Well. I've put off writing this because it's hard. We aren't actively ttc anymore. There. I said it. I said it to my Sunday School class this week & very nearly started crying. It was the first time I said it out loud....."We're done." Done. My heart has been grieving & I haven't wanted to deal with it yet, so I've been eating! I know, not the way to handle it, but food is comfort to me. I didn't even realize it over the last week until today. Darling is not affected at all....he just seems to be able to accept what God's plan is so much easier than I can. I envy that about him. I've ordered a 3 month supply of bcp...hopefully they'll be here soon. I've been through a one week dose of progesterone, but it didn't work for whatever weird reason. I took a pg test 10 days ago & it was definitely -, so I'll be starting another round of progesterone soon. ick. I hate that stuff! So, here's the plan. I'll go on bcp for 2 months, then I'll come off of them & see if I O (no charting, no clomid, no soy, no "trying").....if I have another 75+ day cycle, I'll start progesterone again & do another 2 months on bcp. The ONLY reason we're trying this, is because this is how I got pg with Peanut last time. I'm praying it works. If it doesn't, then next year will be the beginning of absolutely no ttc at all. I may even go on bcp permenantly (I feel better on them with my hormones being normalized), we'll see. So that's it. We have about 2 more chances, unless I lose a ton of weight & my ovaries decide that they like that & start working on their own. It just feels so final. We're throwing in the towel. We're leaving it all up to the Lord.

"I know what I'm doing.

I have it all planned out -

plans to take care of you, not abandon you,

plans to give you the future you hope for.

When you call on me,

when you come and pray to me, I'll listen.

When you come looking for me, you'll find me."

Jeremiah 29:11-13

"With your very own hands you formed me:

now breathe your wisdom over me so I can understand you.

When they see me waiting, expecting your Word,

those who fear you will take heart and be glad.

I can see now, God, that your decisions are right;

your testing has taught me what's true and right.

Oh, love me - and right now! - hold me tight!

just the way you promised."

Psalm 119:73-76