I'm nervous.....

Ok, I need to be honest here.....I'm nervous. Really nervous. I took my last progesterone pill last night so I'm just waiting for AF to arrive & then it all starts! The pills, the hormones, the opks & pg tests, the u/s, the waiting, the wanting......am I really ready for this? Am I really ready for what this may mean? I could actually get pg, really & truly....am I really ready for another baby??? It's been 5 years since I had Peanut, will I remember what to do? LOL! I know this sounds crazy, but I've been getting things together to fill all my Rx & it just hit me.....I could be pg in January! whoa. After 4 years of begging the Lord for "just one more baby".....it could really happen & I'm wondering just how ready I am for it!

Romans 5:3-5

I read this during my quiet time this morning & wanted to remember it.....

"We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary - we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!"

Up too early.....

Well, I'm up way too early!! Darling was leaving at 5:30am & had a question, so now I can't go back to sleep! Oh, well! I don't know how he does it, getting up so early!! Zzzzzz.........
Anyway! I have 3 more days of provera left & then hopefully AF will be here a week later so we can get this next cycle moving!! The earliest I could O would be Dec. 16th, but I'm not holding my breath for that! I don't normally O on my own & this summer I O'd on cd19 & cd22.....so!!
On a different subject, last week I worked out 4x.....this week 0, so far. I have GOT to do it today! This weight will never come off if I don't! I'm also struggling with being on WW....anyone think that I might could do this without dieting and just exercising & watching what I eat??? Hmmmmmmm......we'll see!
Thanksgiving is on Thursday....I'm really not looking forward to going to my parents house. It is going to be stressful. Mom emailed Darling saying how much they are looking forward to seeing us......why she emailed her SIL & not her daughter is odd to me. I'm working on breaking free from the codependent relationship she & I have always had, but it is SO hard. And makes for some really stressful get togethers because Mom doesn't think we are dependent/codependent. So, I've decided that I can't worry about what she does or doesn't accept....I have to do what is right for me & if that means that we are not have any kind of relationship right now, then so be it! *sigh*
Ok, I'd better get to having my time with God this morning!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Well.....

It's been a long time since I posted last....again. A lot has happened in my life since then. I did not get pg on our 2nd round of femara. After that I was pretty devestated & told Darling that I need a break....or maybe we just needed to be done for good. So we decided not to prevent for 2 years, but not to try. My heart broke because we had just found something that worked, but I was so obsessed with ttc that I was missing out on enjoying the 2 girls we DO have! Then the bottom fell out of our world. My mom tried to commit suicide the beginning of October....she was not successful, but it opened up a BUNCH of painful memories/issues from my childhood that I've been learning to deal with since then. Then at the end of October we lost Darling's great-grandmother. She died in her sleep peacefully & was 94, but we will still miss her so much. Then, a week later, the music minister at our church tried to commit suicide. My health has also not been great. SO much in such a short amount of time!! Needless to say over the last 2 months I've just felt like I've been in survival mode. Through all of this my Jesus has carried me through....quietly reminding me that He will never leave me to carry any of this on my own and so I've had peace in the middle of one of the stormiest times in my life. During this time, Darling & I have realized just how precious our little family is & just how much we want one more baby.....one more blessing. So, yesterday I had my yearly visit with my "girlie" doctor & we are getting ready to start a few more rounds of femara! This time my dr wants to pair it with estrogen & monitor my follies with an u/s on cd10, but since I've O'd 2x this past summer on femara, she sees no reason to use a trigger shot! I'm thrilled, excited & praying we see a BFP the beginning of 2010! IF, & it is a BIG if, I do get pg in the next few months, we may have to postpone our September 2010 Disney World trip. I'm pretty torn about that, but we can always go the next year with our completed family!! We'll cross that bridge when we come to it!! Right now, I'm hopeful & praying that God will give us the desire of our hearts.

P.S. Good news! My meds will only cost $45 for this cycle! WooHoo!! And hopefully the insurance will pay for the u/s!!