Not about ttc.....

Today I need to talk about nothing ttc related (btw, the O fairy is no where in sight! ;o). My Darling's grandmother (Nanna) committed suicide on Christmas Eve 4 years ago this year.......................wow. It really doesn't feel that long ago. We've had another baby since then (peanut) & she never got to meet her. What a waste. Every once in awhile, I wonder if there was anything I could have done to prevent her from using that gun that day........and the Lord reminds me that it wasn't my fault. She made the decision & it had nothing to do with any of us.

It still hurts. I still wonder why. I still HATE that my sister-in-law found her....alone. I can still hear her voice on the phone as she told my father-in-law something awful had happened & she needed him at her Nanna's house NOW. Her voice was screechy & shrill. It sounded nothing like her, but I knew it was her before my fil even said where he & Darling were going.
I remember seeing the ambulance lights flashing for the longest time, but they never used the sirens. Then after what felt like forever, the lights went off......and the ambulance never moved. That's when I knew she was really gone.
I remember seeing an ocean of cars & trucks & firetrucks filling the street I lived on. No one could drive down it.
I remember looking at Granny (Nanna's mom) & seeing terror written all over her face.
I remember seeing my Darling coming in the door & falling into my arms & crying, sobbing, his body shaking & then he whispered........"she's gone". My Darling had brought his sister home, cried with me for a little while & said he needed to get back to his dad.....ALL the volunteer firefighters had come (my fil & his father were both vol. firefighters in their younger years) to help in any way they could. My fil's best childhood friends are the ones who actually cleaned up her living room & removed the chair she died in. Darling said later, he had never seen any of those men cry before & so many of them came outside sobbing & throwing up, but then they went right back in. After Darling left, I went to check on Granny....she wanted to know what was going on, but my fil wanted to tell her...so I told her he would be here soon to fill her in. Then I went to my fil/mil's bedroom to see my sil.
I remember she was crying, no bawling......I stood in that room & held my sil (the first time we'd ever hugged) while she sobbed. She cried so hard I wondered if she'd catch her breath at times. She would pull herself together every once in a while & tell me a little bit about what happened. She said when she walked in her grandmother's living room, she didn't regonize her at first. Then she panicked.....she had Granny in the car (we were just about to celebrate our family Christmas) & didn't want to scare her. She called 911 & then my fil & then waited for them on the back porch (where Granny couldn't see her). She slept on my in-law's bedroom floor for a week after that.
I remember calling my parents in my in-law's bedroom & them saying they'd be over right away. They arrived in 30 minutes with hugs for everyone. I don't remember them leaving, but they kept Little Miss for us most of that week while we made funeral arrangements & had the viewing & funeral. I really appreciated their help that week.
I remember all the friends who came that night. People left their families to come bring us some of their Christmas dinner & hug us & tell us how very sorry they were. Our pastor & his wife left their son at home alone to come console my Darling's great grandmother, telling her that the suicide of her second child wouldn't affect her salvation & that as long as she had invited Jesus into her heart, she was in heaven with Him. Happy & finally at peace.
I remember being glad for Nanna. Not glad that she ended her life, but glad she could finally be at peace. She had a horrible addiction to pain medications & was bi-polar. Her whole life was so hard & she made all of our lives so very hard. She was a difficult woman, who was never happy. But she loved my Little Miss. The one person in the world who could never disappoint her. I think it was because Little Miss always greeted her Nanna with a smile & a hug. Nanna had burned so many bridges with the rest of us, that we had a hard time looking pleased to see her....I'm sure our faces looked more like we were worried about what she'd do next. I'm sorry I didn't work harder to be happy to see her.
I don't remember my Little Miss that night until after everyone finally went home. I guess my mil must have been watching her. Probably thankful for the innocent distraction of an almost 2 year old who was just potty trained that day. And who's biggest worry was when she would be able to open her presents. Little Miss was our ray of sunshine during those dark, dark days.
I remember watching our video of Christmas morning. We looked like zombies. Just empty shells of ourselves. (I really don't know what posessed me to tape us that morning) It was all Darling & I could do to get through opening presents without bursting into tears. We spent the rest of Christmas day with my in-laws at their house (just across our pasture), seeing so many family & friends. It was just a constant stream of visitors all day. It really helped that day to pass. I was so overwhelmed by the love & compassion shown to us that day.
I remember the viewing....yes, there was a viewing. Our funeral director was so wonderful. He worked on Nanna for 24 hours so that the last memory my sil had of her grandmother wouldn't be what she saw in that living room. I hugged him. Nanna looked perfect. As I looked in the casket, I thought for a fleeting second that this was all a really bad joke & that she was going to sit up & laugh at all of us. She didn't. Our funeral director was just an artist. We stayed at the viewing for over 2 hours with a steady stream of visitors, tears & hugs. I remember wishing Nanna had known just how many people her life had touched.
I barely remember the funeral. Our favorite pastor, Bro Nolan, spoke at the church & the graveside. As people walked by the casket, they had to walk right in front of us. After the first few people, I turned toward Darling & buried my head in his shoulder. I couldn't handle seeing how much pain Nanna had put all these people in. Later, I thought how sad it was that I wasn't crying then because I would miss Nanna, but was crying because of the pain her chosen death caused others.
The pain is still real. I usually don't visit the pain but once at this time of year. This year is the first time I've really been able to write about it fully. Thank you so much if you read all this; & if you couldn't & just skipped to here, thank you for your empathy. I feel better getting all of that out of my head. I thank the Lord for showing me down the path of healing. The scar will always be tender, but it won't always be raw. Thank you, Lord, for your faithfulness & peace in the midst of emptiness & consuming sorrow. Thank you that life continues.