No +opk for Christmas......

Well, at my u/s last Monday, my ovaries had decided they just didn't want to cooperate. I had lots of little bitty cysts, but no dominant follies. Not a one. So this cycle is cancelled, I'm on provera to end it & I'll be on bcp for one month to make sure my ovaries are calm before starting 7.5mg of femara in February. I was disappointed, but the Lord has taught me over the last 4 years to trust Him & his timing. I'm good! I will patiently wait for February &, in the meantime, I'm working out everyday & eating better! My goal is to lose 30lbs in the next 3 months! God Bless!

What a crazy week!!

Oh, My! I had a weird temp jump to 98.6 on Wed morning (that is definitely a post-O temp for me!), but it's back to normal pre-O temps today.....weird! I haven't had a +opk yet....I'm about to go poas right now, but am not holding my breath. No good CM yet either. I am having a TON of cramping, twinges, pinching around my ovaries, so I'm HOPING they are growing those follies like good little ovaries should! LOL! I scheduled another u/s for Monday since my opk this morning was -......we'll see what happens!

OT, my mom had her gallbladder taken out yesterday & is doing well! She's going home from the hospital today!

It's the same hospital the girls were born in & on our way in yesterday, we walked through L&D.....I almost started crying. I want SO badly to be wheeled back there one more time.....

Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with
all joy and peace as you trust in Him,
so that you may overflow with hope
by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Lookin' good!!! ;o)

I had my follie u/s yesteray and I'm responding to the meds! I had a 7mm follie on my right side with a couple more not too far behind & about a 5mm sized one on my left side! YIKES! My dr said that they should continue to grow 2mm a day until they are about 20mm & then I should ovulate! So, we're looking at about a week! I can't BELIEVE it!! She said she wouldn't be surprised if my ovaries let go of 2 beautiful eggos! I'm kinda nervous about twins, but I'll take whatever the Lord sends me at this point!! LOL!

Off topic, my mom went to the ER last night & was admitted to the hospital. She'll be having her gallbladder out today or tomorrow, but she's on morphine now, so no more pain! I'll most likely be taking care of her for the next week or so and I'm praying that the Lord will give me the strength to make firm boundaries.

AF, AF, wherefore art thou, AF??!

I'm am PRAYING that AF won't be stubborn this go around!! LOL! In the past, she has made me wait for her for 14 days after ending provera & I'm REALLY hoping that isn't the case this time! I'd really like to have her come full force tomorrow! That would make my cd10 u/s a cd12 u/s & I'd like to have it done later since this summer I didn't O until cd18 & 22! We shall see. I'd take today too, if she was so inclined to rear her ugly head!

Today has been difficult. My mom called & left me a message, she didn't sound good so I called right back, without thinking. She wasn't feeling too well, & wanted me & the girls to come be with her. I'm not sure if I've shared this here, but I've shared so much, why not share this too! I have a co-dependent relationship with my mom. I've had it all my life & I've just realized it! 33 years of feeling guilty & angry & trapped & frustrated & guilty for feeling angry, trapped & frustrated. *sigh* It is a nasty, ugly cycle & it WILL end with me. I will not live this way anymore & I will not teach this to my children & I will not put my Darling through hell anymore! Anyway, I told my mom I couldn't see her today, which is the truth.....I'm not ready to see her, I have no idea what a healthy relationship even looks like with her, I have school to do with the girls, a set to paint at church, my house to clean on, our christmas tree to put up & AWANA to get ready for tomorrow night. Nope, no time to travel 45min one way to have lunch with her & be responsible, yet again, for making her happy. I hung up the phone & the WAVES of guilt tried to drown me. Darling called me from the car on his way to work & I just bawled. How is it that my mom still has this power over me? I'm 33 years old! I have a family of my own! I have a community & a church that I'm involved with & yet, with a single phone call, my mother can reduce me to a gelatinous lump.....quivering, crying, soggy. I'm not going to live this way anymore. I'm opening my heart to the Lord & begging him to pull out this HUGE weed/tree in my heart, as painful & agonizing as it is, and make me whole. Free. Peaceful. Complete.

I'm nervous.....

Ok, I need to be honest here.....I'm nervous. Really nervous. I took my last progesterone pill last night so I'm just waiting for AF to arrive & then it all starts! The pills, the hormones, the opks & pg tests, the u/s, the waiting, the wanting......am I really ready for this? Am I really ready for what this may mean? I could actually get pg, really & truly....am I really ready for another baby??? It's been 5 years since I had Peanut, will I remember what to do? LOL! I know this sounds crazy, but I've been getting things together to fill all my Rx & it just hit me.....I could be pg in January! whoa. After 4 years of begging the Lord for "just one more baby".....it could really happen & I'm wondering just how ready I am for it!

Romans 5:3-5

I read this during my quiet time this morning & wanted to remember it.....

"We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary - we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!"

Up too early.....

Well, I'm up way too early!! Darling was leaving at 5:30am & had a question, so now I can't go back to sleep! Oh, well! I don't know how he does it, getting up so early!! Zzzzzz.........
Anyway! I have 3 more days of provera left & then hopefully AF will be here a week later so we can get this next cycle moving!! The earliest I could O would be Dec. 16th, but I'm not holding my breath for that! I don't normally O on my own & this summer I O'd on cd19 & cd22.....so!!
On a different subject, last week I worked out 4x.....this week 0, so far. I have GOT to do it today! This weight will never come off if I don't! I'm also struggling with being on WW....anyone think that I might could do this without dieting and just exercising & watching what I eat??? Hmmmmmmm......we'll see!
Thanksgiving is on Thursday....I'm really not looking forward to going to my parents house. It is going to be stressful. Mom emailed Darling saying how much they are looking forward to seeing us......why she emailed her SIL & not her daughter is odd to me. I'm working on breaking free from the codependent relationship she & I have always had, but it is SO hard. And makes for some really stressful get togethers because Mom doesn't think we are dependent/codependent. So, I've decided that I can't worry about what she does or doesn't accept....I have to do what is right for me & if that means that we are not have any kind of relationship right now, then so be it! *sigh*
Ok, I'd better get to having my time with God this morning!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Well.....

It's been a long time since I posted last....again. A lot has happened in my life since then. I did not get pg on our 2nd round of femara. After that I was pretty devestated & told Darling that I need a break....or maybe we just needed to be done for good. So we decided not to prevent for 2 years, but not to try. My heart broke because we had just found something that worked, but I was so obsessed with ttc that I was missing out on enjoying the 2 girls we DO have! Then the bottom fell out of our world. My mom tried to commit suicide the beginning of October....she was not successful, but it opened up a BUNCH of painful memories/issues from my childhood that I've been learning to deal with since then. Then at the end of October we lost Darling's great-grandmother. She died in her sleep peacefully & was 94, but we will still miss her so much. Then, a week later, the music minister at our church tried to commit suicide. My health has also not been great. SO much in such a short amount of time!! Needless to say over the last 2 months I've just felt like I've been in survival mode. Through all of this my Jesus has carried me through....quietly reminding me that He will never leave me to carry any of this on my own and so I've had peace in the middle of one of the stormiest times in my life. During this time, Darling & I have realized just how precious our little family is & just how much we want one more baby.....one more blessing. So, yesterday I had my yearly visit with my "girlie" doctor & we are getting ready to start a few more rounds of femara! This time my dr wants to pair it with estrogen & monitor my follies with an u/s on cd10, but since I've O'd 2x this past summer on femara, she sees no reason to use a trigger shot! I'm thrilled, excited & praying we see a BFP the beginning of 2010! IF, & it is a BIG if, I do get pg in the next few months, we may have to postpone our September 2010 Disney World trip. I'm pretty torn about that, but we can always go the next year with our completed family!! We'll cross that bridge when we come to it!! Right now, I'm hopeful & praying that God will give us the desire of our hearts.

P.S. Good news! My meds will only cost $45 for this cycle! WooHoo!! And hopefully the insurance will pay for the u/s!!

Last cycle I O'd but got a BFN.....

Currently in my second cycle of femara & I O'd again!! I'm 9dpo today & impatiently waiting to see if we did it or didn't do it! LOL! After this cycle, no matter the restult, we'll be moving on in our lives. No more medicated cycles. Period. I feel at peace about it, but ttc has consumed my life for the last 3 1/2 years, I don't think it will be easy to move on, but I do feel it is necessary for my sanity!! So, I keep praying that I'm pg!! That would solve everything!! LOL! I'll be testing in the morning at 10dpo....early, but I can't help myself! My chart looks really good!! If a bfn & my temps stay up (& don't start a downward spiral), I'll test again on Tuesday......we'll see what the Lord's plan is!!

Pretty sure I o'd!

Well, I put my temp in this morning and FF gave me cross hairs! I'm 3dpo today! Praying that the Lord will give me temps that keep going up and a BFP in a week or 2!!!

CD3......Hope.....

There is always so much hope at the beginning of a cycle. Before the temps are recorded, before the pills have been taken. This cycle I have hope & peace. This is what I prayed this morning.....

Lord, I know that this cycle cannot be succesful without you. You are the one who uses medications to make my ovaries work.....I'm laying this cycle at your feet, I'm doing all I can & I will wait watching for & expecting a miracle. Thank you for all your blessings. Thank you for this ttc adventure, I've learned so much about you & about my Darling & myself. I pray that you will use this struggle for your glory. In Jesus name, Amen.

Long time since I've been here!!

To be really honest, I fell into a REALLY deep depression in November. So much so, that I went on antidepressant for 3 months. I'm off of it now, but I still have bad days. I really think it's mostly fertility related. I've really been struggling with not getting pg in the last 3 years that we've been trying. I know I have 2 beautiful girls that, medically speaking, should not even be here....but the heart wants what it wants. I've begged the Lord to take away this deep desire for another child & He hasn't. So I wait. There is a new fertility drug called Femara....similar to Clomid, but women with PCOS usually respond to it MUCH better. We're giving it a try. These cycles will be unmonitored, because we just can't afford to monitor them, but I'm praying that the Lord will use this drug to make my ovaries WORK & quit being lazy!! I'm also back on metformin & taking a handful of natural supplements (which I credit with lessening the bad se of the met!). Peanut (dd#2) will be 5 in September & I can hear my biological clock ticking very loudly these days. I know I will be pg this year.....the Lord has given me peace about it. I'm just ready to see this promise fulfilled!! I love you, Lord!!

Habakkuk 2:3
At the time I have decided, my words will come true. You can trust what I say about the future. It may take a long time, but keep on waiting--
it will happen!