I'm Ovulating!!

This is what I got yesterday!!



I've never O'd this early! Praying that I'll get preggers!

I feel good.....I knew that I would!

Ok, so that's not SO true! I really feel pretty yucky today. I'm not sure why, I've been feeling queasy and my ovaries feel VERY full. My cm is also thinning out and I'm excited about it, but I could be more excited if I didn't feel like poo. *sigh* We start our BDfest tonight and I'm about to go get "ready" (read - shave my legs) and hope I feel better later this evening! Maybe I need a late nap. I'm thinking we're having taquitos for dinner.......

I won't lie.....

I won't lie....these last almost 5 years of ttc#3 have been HARD. I was on FF tonight (Darling is working late) and dared to venture over to the Pregnancy side and saw a post of a woman who shared a 9 week u/s pic. I just started crying (still am) and realized just how badly I want to experience that again. I want it so much my heart feels like it could explode. I really want this cycle to work....I really want my body to work. My mind went rushing back to the first time I heard my DD#1's heartbeat, my dr used the doppler, there were loud static sounds and all of a sudden....Woosh-Woosh-Woosh......I started laughing!! I was SO happy!! That was OUR baby....growing, living inside ME! My dr said she'd never had a mom laugh before...lots of crying, but no laughing!! I couldn't contain the joy I felt & it just came pouring out of me in fits of giggles every time she'd find my sweet girl's heartbeat! I can't WAIT to hear that sweet sound, see that little lima bean, feel those kicks & flutters. I'm believing that I WILL experience it all....one more time.

First dose, down the hatch!

I took my first 10mg dose of Femara last night! So far I'm feeling pretty good. I have a bit of a headache this morning, but that is normal for me on Femara. I'm just praying that this medication will make my lazy ovaries WORK! LOL! Yesterday, my pastor preached about prayer and being consistent and persistant in what we pray for and I've been doing that, but yesterday afternoon I spent a long while pleading with God to bless us with the child we've spent the last 5 years asking for. Pleading with Him to use the Femara that I'm taking to make my ovaries do the job He created them to do, to allow that egg or eggs to be fertilized and for my uterus to do it's job and provide a home for an embryo or embryos! My pastor said to pray specifically, so I am! WHEN I get pg this cycle, I should be due July 14th...and I think planning a c/s for July 4th would be so cool!! So, I'm praying for our little firecracker! Happy Monday! God Bless!

Wow....this touched me so deeply....

Jess over at A Little Blog About the Big Infertility posted the following quote from Laura Bush's book and, oh my, how true these words are. I've always been a Bush fan....George, Sr., George, Jr., Laura, Barbara.....but I never knew that Laura and I had infertility in common. I know I have 2 beautiful girls and I have struggled with the validity of my infertility. My aunt (whom I LOVE), told me that I don't struggle with infertility because I have 2 children. *sigh* It took us a year to get pg with dd#2 and now that seems like nothing but that year was so painful....I only ovulated the ONE time and God blessed, but our ttc journey to baby#3 has been almost 5 years long....and it hurts. I hug my girls and feel SO blessed to have them....but I long for one more baby. This doesn't make me a horrible, ungrateful person...it makes me a woman. The pain of longing for baby#1 or baby#4 is them same....it's just pain that's looking from a different direction. TTC#1 you are longing for something that you know has to be wonderful, but you've never experienced.....TTC#2 or more you are longing for something that you've already experienced, you know exactly what you are missing and just how wonderful it is. Both are painful, both are valid and both women can identify with the following quote...........

The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.”

But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives.

Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?- Laura Bush

She's here!!!

Ok...so I was being impatient for nothing! LOL! AF arrived yesterday, so I start Femara tomorrow!! YAY!! I'm so excited!! I'm hoping I don't get horrible headaches like I have in the past, but if this cycle ends with a bfp, it'll be worth it!!

I went to our Ladies Only Craft Night last night at our church....it was so fun to visit with adults!! My BIL & SIL started ttc#1 a year ago and still haven't conceived and since then I've crocheted a blue and pink baby blanket and given them away to other couples in our church.....so I started a new blue baby blanket last night and am hoping that one of us can use it soon!! I think it's our turn! ;o)

Where is AF???!!!???

Ok...I know it's only been a week but I usually start about 6 days after my last provera....it's been 7 days and I'm ready to start our next round of treatments! I had a little bit of spotting yesterday but nothing since then. Ugh. I'm trying to be patient...knowing and believing that God's guiding hand is covering every step of this journey....but, I am human and I want what I want right now!! LOL! I've been cleaning and having school with the girls today to pass the time.....AF, AF, Wherefore are thou, AF???? ;o)

Life is good....

Yesterday wasn't too bad! It was actually a pretty good day....and compared to last year it was an awesome day! Today I got up, went for a walk and have been watching Darling run around getting ready for a 2 day business trip. I'm NOT excited about going to bed alone tonight. I have Tylenol PM ready and waiting! I know he has to go, but nighttime without him is really rough. Anyway. I'm still waiting on AF....I was hoping the walk this morning would jump start things, but not so yet! I can hardly WAIT to start my femara! I'm just so ready to be pg!! Happy Hump Day!!

Oct. 5th...

I'll never forget Oct. 5th. It's (to date) the last time my mom tried to commit suicide and at the time, I was preparing myself to start planning her funeral. I have vivid memories of the day that still come to my mind in quick flashes....my dad hugging me, laying his head on my shoulder and sobbing uncontrollably; finding a roast in the crock pot; finding all my moms clothes in her closet but none of her meds; sitting in my car as my best friend drove me to my parents house looking out the window but seeing nothing because I couldn't stop crying and praying "Please God no....Please God no..." I'm so thankful that God spared my moms life that day. But there are so many things that the family of a "suicide survivor" goes through that no one knows about. Even though you haven't lost that loved one....there is a grieving process that still happens and I had rejected that process the first time my mom tried to commit suicide, so this second time, it would not be ignored. I endured a lot of abuse from my mom growing up and only now as an adult have I come to understand that most of it came from serious mental problems and this last suicide attempt was all I could take. My parents like to pretend that everything is "normal", as if the suicide attemptS never happened. But they did.

My dad just called me for the first time in well over a year to get Peanut's SS# for a savings bond....I didn't answer, I just listened to the msg he left. To him, tomorrow never happened or for my mom....it was just a drug induced dream for her. She still doesn't understand why that day was so horrific. I'm sure she never will. Anyway, thanks for letting me share. God is in control and I will rest in Him.

Sick.

I am officially sick. I feel as though someone snuck (is this a word?) into my room during the night and, somehow without me knowing it, filled my head with water! My head is so heavy and my eyes keep watering and my ears are full and HURT. I'm taking medicine, but I still feel like my head is a balloon on a string and is floating somewhere to the right of my body while my right hand holds onto the string. Weird, weird feeling and I don't care for it. At. All. We're taking the day off from school and I'm just sitting on the couch thinking about all the cleaning I should be doing so Darling's weekend off will really be realxing for him. I might just have to push through the misery and do it. He works so hard for us and I hate to think he'll feel like he needs to clean on his few precious days off. Well, that's my day today. I'm hoping AF stays away until I feel better.....only 5 or 6 days until we start our 10mg cycle!

As for happier news, I'm doing well on my new way of eating (Micheal Thurmond's 6 week body makeover)! I feel better in the gastro-department even though it's only day 2! I have found that as I've been fixing lunch for my hubby that I just pop food in my mouth without thinking! This has probably accounted for a LOT of calories a day! I popped a chip and a chunk of cheese in my mouth yesterday and then spit it back out! LOL! I was so shocked! It was mindless eating! I'm going to share just how much weight I'm planning on losing with y'all (well, I feel pretty safe because no one actually reads my blog, but someone might someday!) I have 1 year and 4 months until our next Disney World vacation and I'm planning on losing 100 pounds. I could lose another 30 lbs on top of that, but I'd be perfectly happy losing 100 pounds and maintaining it. Hence the 6 week body makeover plan.....I know it will take MUCH longer than 6 weeks to lose 100 pounds! I used this plan 5 years ago to lose 50 pounds so I know it works for me and I can stick with it! I do not feel hungry on it, but since the amount of food I eat on it is less, I find myself wanting to put something in my mouth! So I resort to all natural lollipops or sugar free gum. Not want I really want, but it does help! Anyway, I've got to make some lunch for the girls and do something around this house other than laundry! Happy Friday!