Protein, protein, protein!!

Well! I'm 3 days into exercising and that's going just fine....just the 1/2 mile I'm doing a day is killing my feet and knees, but I know it will be worth the pain and effort! Yesterday I started focusing on getting 60 grams of protein in each day...at least! It's kinda hard! I've really been eating junk and carbs for a long time and making sure I'm having meat, eggs, cheese, milk, and protein drinks has been a challenge! I'm doing it, but it's hard to leave the simple carbs alone! I'm interested to see how that works out after surgery. I'm glad I'm working on all this now. I'm so excited about 2011, it's going to be a great year! I've been listening to Banded Wendy on YouTube, I've realized that fueling my body is so much more important that eating just what tastes good but is bad for me. I've got a lot of head work to do, before I think of eating just as fuel, but at least I'm starting now! That's all I have for today! God Bless!

I started!

Well, it's Dec 26th and I worked out for the first time in months! It was only a 1/2 mile walk, but I did it! I'm choosing to work out regularly from here on out! I figure it'll be really important for me to be in much better physical shape before surgery and getting into the habit of working out regularly now will be a good thing since after surgery I'll need to work out regularly anyway! I can't wait until after my surgery when I'll be able to work out and see REAL results!! Praying 2011 is a wonderful year for all of us!! God Bless!

Only 3 days until Christmas!

I'm so excited!! My sleep study is scheduled for Janury 5th and my diet consult and psych eval are scheduled for January 12th! YAY!! I can't WAIT! For the first time in about 6 years, I feel like I have hope and that is a wonderful feeling at Christmastime! I even told Darling that I just want a stocking for Christmas....we'll just save the $$ he would normally spend for my January expenses! YAY! I'm looking forward to next Christmas when I'll be at least 100 lbs lighter and lookin' cute in Christmas clothes! And we'll have a family portrait that I can be proud of, instead of wanting to hide it. I'm ready. If my surgery was tomorrow it wouldn't be soon enough!

We bought our girls some really cute clothes this Christmas! I can't wait to share pics of them! We finished wrapping gifts last night and tomorrow we're taking them to see Tangled! Yipppeeee!!!! I'm finally getting in the Christmas spirit! We made snowman cookies and started our gingerbread ornaments today, I'll post pics soon!

Praying we all have a very Merry Christmas!! God bless us, Everyone!!

YAY!!

I just got my letter from my Dr's office and I have 3 documentation requirements before they will submit my request for approval.

1. Psychiatric evaluation
2. One-time diet consultation
3. A pre-operative sleep study

Does anyone know how much these things will cost me?? I'm really excited that this is all they need! Pretty simple! I won't be able to do these things until January (Christmas is taking all our extra $$), but I'm so excited that it seems to be pretty simple!! WooHoo!!!!

Attended my first seminar last night!

The seminar last night was GREAT! I really enjoyed hearing Dr. Nick talk about all 3 surgeries and he is SO nice. He's only had 3 deaths in 7500 WLS, and that made me feel pretty good! DH went with me and we both agree that the sleeve is still the preferred surgery, but if our insurance just totally refuses to do it then gastric bypass is what I'll go with. Now I'm waiting to see what the insurance ladies tell me about my insurance coverage! I'm ready to get this ball rolling!!

Love this quote.....

"There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream." ~Author Unknown

What a blessing...

I've struggled over the last 3 years whether WLS was the "Christian" thing to do. I felt like I was being lazy and just not trying hard enough to lose the weight. I don't feel that way anymore. I'm not lazy....I've done my best to lose this extra weight and EVERY time it comes back and more. I would never dream of telling a breast cancer patient they shouldn't have a mastectomy before radiation and chemo! Why would I think that removing part of a stomach that has been stretched out so far that I can eat FAR too much food is less valid? My stomach is killing me just like that lump. The mental aspect of it all has to be addressed and I have to let Christ "renew my mind" in order to be sucessful, but I'll no longer feel ashamed or embarassed or guilty that I need help. A friend shared this song with me, the Gaither Trio performed it and I think it is perfect for this journey.....

In the things familiar we find security
Resisting all the changes that days and years can bring,
When God decides to lead you through an open door
Inviting you to walk in realms you've never known before.

Beyond the open door is a new and fresh anointing,
Hear the Spirit calling you to go.
Walk on through the door for the Lord will go before you
Into a greater power you've never known before.

So, here we go! Goodbye, Fat Me, and Hello, Healthy Me!

Another BFN and we're off on another adventure...

C28 has resulted in yet another BFN. So. I'm off on another adventure! This one is all about me. I'm starting proceedings to have weight loss surgery. The gastric sleeve to be more exact. It's major surgery and involves removing 75% of my stomach, permanently, but I really feel it's the BEST choice for me. I've thought and prayed about WLS for the last couple of years and more seriously over the last 6 months. Darling mentioned a week ago that he really wanted me to seriously consider it, he's ready for me to be healthy. So, our ttc journey is on hold. I'm PRAYING that after I lose the weight my cycles will come back and we'll have another baby, but for now we aren't ttc#3 anymore. This blog will become all about my journey to being healthy again! I couldn't be more excited!!! Right now, I weigh 290 lbs. The most I've EVER weighed and I can't live like this anymore!! It isn't living. I'm hurting ALL. THE. TIME. My osteoarthritis is really bad now that I've gotten so heavy. If I sit in one position too long my legs go numb. I don't have high blood pressure but I know it's coming. I don't have diabetes but I know that's inevitable too. I get out of breath doing the laundry or cleaning my kitchen. It's ridiculous!! Anyway, it'll probably happen in February. I have my first seminar on Nov. 16th! Pray for me!

I'm Ovulating!!

This is what I got yesterday!!



I've never O'd this early! Praying that I'll get preggers!

I feel good.....I knew that I would!

Ok, so that's not SO true! I really feel pretty yucky today. I'm not sure why, I've been feeling queasy and my ovaries feel VERY full. My cm is also thinning out and I'm excited about it, but I could be more excited if I didn't feel like poo. *sigh* We start our BDfest tonight and I'm about to go get "ready" (read - shave my legs) and hope I feel better later this evening! Maybe I need a late nap. I'm thinking we're having taquitos for dinner.......

I won't lie.....

I won't lie....these last almost 5 years of ttc#3 have been HARD. I was on FF tonight (Darling is working late) and dared to venture over to the Pregnancy side and saw a post of a woman who shared a 9 week u/s pic. I just started crying (still am) and realized just how badly I want to experience that again. I want it so much my heart feels like it could explode. I really want this cycle to work....I really want my body to work. My mind went rushing back to the first time I heard my DD#1's heartbeat, my dr used the doppler, there were loud static sounds and all of a sudden....Woosh-Woosh-Woosh......I started laughing!! I was SO happy!! That was OUR baby....growing, living inside ME! My dr said she'd never had a mom laugh before...lots of crying, but no laughing!! I couldn't contain the joy I felt & it just came pouring out of me in fits of giggles every time she'd find my sweet girl's heartbeat! I can't WAIT to hear that sweet sound, see that little lima bean, feel those kicks & flutters. I'm believing that I WILL experience it all....one more time.

First dose, down the hatch!

I took my first 10mg dose of Femara last night! So far I'm feeling pretty good. I have a bit of a headache this morning, but that is normal for me on Femara. I'm just praying that this medication will make my lazy ovaries WORK! LOL! Yesterday, my pastor preached about prayer and being consistent and persistant in what we pray for and I've been doing that, but yesterday afternoon I spent a long while pleading with God to bless us with the child we've spent the last 5 years asking for. Pleading with Him to use the Femara that I'm taking to make my ovaries do the job He created them to do, to allow that egg or eggs to be fertilized and for my uterus to do it's job and provide a home for an embryo or embryos! My pastor said to pray specifically, so I am! WHEN I get pg this cycle, I should be due July 14th...and I think planning a c/s for July 4th would be so cool!! So, I'm praying for our little firecracker! Happy Monday! God Bless!

Wow....this touched me so deeply....

Jess over at A Little Blog About the Big Infertility posted the following quote from Laura Bush's book and, oh my, how true these words are. I've always been a Bush fan....George, Sr., George, Jr., Laura, Barbara.....but I never knew that Laura and I had infertility in common. I know I have 2 beautiful girls and I have struggled with the validity of my infertility. My aunt (whom I LOVE), told me that I don't struggle with infertility because I have 2 children. *sigh* It took us a year to get pg with dd#2 and now that seems like nothing but that year was so painful....I only ovulated the ONE time and God blessed, but our ttc journey to baby#3 has been almost 5 years long....and it hurts. I hug my girls and feel SO blessed to have them....but I long for one more baby. This doesn't make me a horrible, ungrateful person...it makes me a woman. The pain of longing for baby#1 or baby#4 is them same....it's just pain that's looking from a different direction. TTC#1 you are longing for something that you know has to be wonderful, but you've never experienced.....TTC#2 or more you are longing for something that you've already experienced, you know exactly what you are missing and just how wonderful it is. Both are painful, both are valid and both women can identify with the following quote...........

The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.”

But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives.

Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?- Laura Bush

She's here!!!

Ok...so I was being impatient for nothing! LOL! AF arrived yesterday, so I start Femara tomorrow!! YAY!! I'm so excited!! I'm hoping I don't get horrible headaches like I have in the past, but if this cycle ends with a bfp, it'll be worth it!!

I went to our Ladies Only Craft Night last night at our church....it was so fun to visit with adults!! My BIL & SIL started ttc#1 a year ago and still haven't conceived and since then I've crocheted a blue and pink baby blanket and given them away to other couples in our church.....so I started a new blue baby blanket last night and am hoping that one of us can use it soon!! I think it's our turn! ;o)

Where is AF???!!!???

Ok...I know it's only been a week but I usually start about 6 days after my last provera....it's been 7 days and I'm ready to start our next round of treatments! I had a little bit of spotting yesterday but nothing since then. Ugh. I'm trying to be patient...knowing and believing that God's guiding hand is covering every step of this journey....but, I am human and I want what I want right now!! LOL! I've been cleaning and having school with the girls today to pass the time.....AF, AF, Wherefore are thou, AF???? ;o)

Life is good....

Yesterday wasn't too bad! It was actually a pretty good day....and compared to last year it was an awesome day! Today I got up, went for a walk and have been watching Darling run around getting ready for a 2 day business trip. I'm NOT excited about going to bed alone tonight. I have Tylenol PM ready and waiting! I know he has to go, but nighttime without him is really rough. Anyway. I'm still waiting on AF....I was hoping the walk this morning would jump start things, but not so yet! I can hardly WAIT to start my femara! I'm just so ready to be pg!! Happy Hump Day!!

Oct. 5th...

I'll never forget Oct. 5th. It's (to date) the last time my mom tried to commit suicide and at the time, I was preparing myself to start planning her funeral. I have vivid memories of the day that still come to my mind in quick flashes....my dad hugging me, laying his head on my shoulder and sobbing uncontrollably; finding a roast in the crock pot; finding all my moms clothes in her closet but none of her meds; sitting in my car as my best friend drove me to my parents house looking out the window but seeing nothing because I couldn't stop crying and praying "Please God no....Please God no..." I'm so thankful that God spared my moms life that day. But there are so many things that the family of a "suicide survivor" goes through that no one knows about. Even though you haven't lost that loved one....there is a grieving process that still happens and I had rejected that process the first time my mom tried to commit suicide, so this second time, it would not be ignored. I endured a lot of abuse from my mom growing up and only now as an adult have I come to understand that most of it came from serious mental problems and this last suicide attempt was all I could take. My parents like to pretend that everything is "normal", as if the suicide attemptS never happened. But they did.

My dad just called me for the first time in well over a year to get Peanut's SS# for a savings bond....I didn't answer, I just listened to the msg he left. To him, tomorrow never happened or for my mom....it was just a drug induced dream for her. She still doesn't understand why that day was so horrific. I'm sure she never will. Anyway, thanks for letting me share. God is in control and I will rest in Him.

Sick.

I am officially sick. I feel as though someone snuck (is this a word?) into my room during the night and, somehow without me knowing it, filled my head with water! My head is so heavy and my eyes keep watering and my ears are full and HURT. I'm taking medicine, but I still feel like my head is a balloon on a string and is floating somewhere to the right of my body while my right hand holds onto the string. Weird, weird feeling and I don't care for it. At. All. We're taking the day off from school and I'm just sitting on the couch thinking about all the cleaning I should be doing so Darling's weekend off will really be realxing for him. I might just have to push through the misery and do it. He works so hard for us and I hate to think he'll feel like he needs to clean on his few precious days off. Well, that's my day today. I'm hoping AF stays away until I feel better.....only 5 or 6 days until we start our 10mg cycle!

As for happier news, I'm doing well on my new way of eating (Micheal Thurmond's 6 week body makeover)! I feel better in the gastro-department even though it's only day 2! I have found that as I've been fixing lunch for my hubby that I just pop food in my mouth without thinking! This has probably accounted for a LOT of calories a day! I popped a chip and a chunk of cheese in my mouth yesterday and then spit it back out! LOL! I was so shocked! It was mindless eating! I'm going to share just how much weight I'm planning on losing with y'all (well, I feel pretty safe because no one actually reads my blog, but someone might someday!) I have 1 year and 4 months until our next Disney World vacation and I'm planning on losing 100 pounds. I could lose another 30 lbs on top of that, but I'd be perfectly happy losing 100 pounds and maintaining it. Hence the 6 week body makeover plan.....I know it will take MUCH longer than 6 weeks to lose 100 pounds! I used this plan 5 years ago to lose 50 pounds so I know it works for me and I can stick with it! I do not feel hungry on it, but since the amount of food I eat on it is less, I find myself wanting to put something in my mouth! So I resort to all natural lollipops or sugar free gum. Not want I really want, but it does help! Anyway, I've got to make some lunch for the girls and do something around this house other than laundry! Happy Friday!

Not the brightest bulb in the box....

Ok, I'll admit it. I'm not the brightest bulb in the box! LOL! I started taking Progesterone and started a new diet (including no sugar, wheat or caffeine). So now, I'm PMSing, having sugar withdrawals and am craving chocolate. Ugh! The sugar/caffeine headaches, well & probably starch too. Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad combo. I've been so short with my family this week. I feel awful about it, but it's as if the connection from my brain to my mouth doesn't work! Words just fly out! *sigh* I also have a double ear infection and feel miserable. Ok, I'm off my pity pot. I just can't wait for AF to get here.....you know, so I can get all hopped up on different hormones! LOL!!

June 3rd....really?

I have been a terrible blogger! If there is anyone reading this, I'm so sorry! I know how much I hate it when I'm following someone and they just disappear! :oP Ok, the last cycle I talked about was a bust, I had positive OPK's but I didn't ovulate and had to use progesterone to induce AF....the next cycle I used soy and femara together....same thing happened. Positive OPK's, but no AF and no BFP. So I took more progesterone. Then it was almost time for our Disney World trip and if I took Femara, I'd most likely O on our trip (we shared a room with our 9yo & 6yo) and I knew we wouldn't be able to BD like we would need to....so we had an off cycle. I'm really glad we did, I enjoyed not worrying about anything while we were gone! It was such a fun trip (I'll post a short slideshow soon) and I can't WAIT until January 2012 when we'll surprise the girls with another trip!! Anyway!
I'm currently taking progesterone again so we can finally move on to our first 10mg Femara cycle!! I'm SO excited! I'm working out and eating MUCH better and I really feel like we'll get pg soon! I'm also cutting back on all my duties at church so I can really focus on homeschooling our girls and taking care of my home. I really think the Lord's been calling me to do that for a long time and I just haven't been willing to relinquish the hold I had on those things. It's been difficult to be a SAHM....not many people see the true value in what I do and I'm a bit of a people pleaser so that bothers me. But I'm letting go of that insecurity too. I can't worry about what people think. I also need to lose at least 100 lbs and I barely have time for the things that I do now....let alone add serious weight loss to the list. Prayers would be greatly appreciated! Hang on tight! This wonderful life has been quite a ride!

12dpo or 14dpo???? Who knows?

Well, when I take out all my + opks....FF gives me an O date of cd17 not cd15....BUT if I put in all 3 + digi opk's it gives me cd15 as my O day. Crazy software. So, I'm going with 12dpo today (unless AF proves otherwise by showing up on Saturday!), and I'll be testing tomorrow and Sunday. You'll all be VERY proud to know that I have only tested ONCE in this 2ww (well with a pg test....I've been using opk's for 2 days now!) I'm really not feeling anything. My boobs have a shooting type pain every so often and I feel a little full in the uterus area, but nothing other than that. I'll be VERY suprised if I see a BFP tomorrow morning. This chart has had crazy low temps. I'm wondering if I really O'd.....but having PCOS makes me question that ALL the time! ;o)

I've also been VERY ill this whole cycle. I started out with strep throat about cd3 and it has only gone away once and then came back with a vengance 3 days later. I'm currently taking Levaquin, which is a class C drug. I'm not excited about the fact that I might be pg & taking that drug, but I had NO choice. I HAVE to get rid of this strep throat or I'm going to end up in the hospital using a super antibiotic. So, part of me hopes I'm pg and part of me hopes I'm not. I do know that I'm PRAYING that I get well....SOON.

Just waiting for a temp jump!

Well, 3 + opk's 3 days in a row!! Here's the pic to prove it!!



I'm cd 17 today & finally got a - opk! I'm so relieved! Now if my temps will just cooperate & shoot up in the morning, I'd be so thrilled!! Praying I'll see a BFP in a couple weeks!

2 days in a row!!!! YAY!!

Well, I got these test results today on CD15! I'm SO excited! My ewcm is in abundance too! I'm very hopeful for this cycle! It's the best one on Femara (or any other med!) so far!!

Looks like I'm about to O!!!

YAY! I'm so thrilled!! Praying my temps reflect that in a few days!!

Where O where is the big O?!

I know I'm getting greedy, but I want to O again this cycle like a "normal" person, like I did last cycle! I'm cd13 and I'm having ewcm and I can't WAIT to see a smiley face on my digital opk!! The amount of stress that I've been under this week has been insane, but I'm letting it go & totally focusing on what my body needs to do.....nothing else is as important right now. I still have pus on my throat. So I'll be calling my dr again in the morning to see what she wants to do. I'm so ready to be completely well! I've lost 7 lbs in the last week because of being sick....love the weight loss...don't love the method! I'm not back to working out yet, but I will get back to it soon.

BDfest starts tonight!! I'm so excited! I KNOW we WILL get pg sometime soon!!

God Bless!

Last day of Femara!

Well, today is my last day of Femara for this cycle!! I'm so excited! I'm hoping & praying that I'll O within the week! We BD'd last night to get the show on the road & we'll be on a every-other-day rotation until I see a + opk!

I'm still sick. I've had strep throat for a week and, after 5 days of anitbiotics, my throat is just NOW looking better. I'm so ready to be well! I couldn't stand it yesterday & got the tiller out in the garden for about an hour. It wiped me out but I felt like I accomplished something!!

I'll start taking my temp in the morning & I'll start estradiol tomorrow evening too. We'll just be waiting on my ovaries to work like they are supposed to! I'll also start Circle + Bloom tomorrow too.

Ok, Have a happy Friday!!

God Bless!

Sorry to leave y'all hangin'!!!

I got so discouraged last cycle! I didn't get pg, I did O, but AF never showed up! Took 2 rounds of progesterone to make her come over. Discouraging. She FINALLY showed up May 6th.....a whole month late. So, we're on to round #5 of Femara! I'm taking 5mg cd4-6 and 7.5mg cd7-9, a little unorthodox but we're just trying to find a combo that's going to work! I'll be taking estradiol cd10-O but am NOT using prometrium again after O. I really think that was the reason why last cycle was so wonky!

This cycle I have developed the WORST case of strep throat I've had in my entire life! SO painful and it came on so fast! I had a steroid shot at the dr office because my tonsils were almost touching, I'm taking a hefty antibiotic and I'm taking a narcotic for pain. Praying this all clears up quickly & that it doesn't interfere with my Femara!! We'll see! I'll try to keep up here better! God Bless!

lots of crying.....

Ok....seriously!! I have been crying for 3 days!!! I've gotten 3 BFNs 8dpo, 9dpo & 10dpo(today)....which I'm not too surprised about. Today's really disappointed me (was hoping to be one of the few lucky one's to get a really early BFP) I cried Thursday as I watched pg announcements on YouTube, I cried Friday(yesterday) over a "Race For the Cure" commercial and today I cried over my BFN & over praise music. OH MY! I haven't cried so much in months! I'm really crampy, irritable & want my BFP NOW! LOL! I'm still being patient & waiting on my Savior's perfect timing, but my emotions/hormones are out of control! Have a Happy Easter! Hoping to see a BFP in the morning!

Sorry, I've been MIA!!

Well, I O'd!! On CD15! Can you believe it?!!! I got over my upper respiratory/ sinus infection just in time to O! I got a GORGEOUS smiley face on my CB digital OPK on cd14 (was so excited I had to show Darling & he was excited too!) and we got busy on cd13-15....in a pop-up camper!! LOL! It was SO fun! I'm now 8dpo & just waiting....I took a pg test this afternoon but it was, of course, a bfn. I really didn't expect anything different, but I just HAD to poas! I'm feeling really positive about this cycle....I just KNOW we're pregnant! Praying that feeling is right! I'll be testing every morning from here on out! Pray that we see a BFP by Sunday! We'd LOVE to tell our families on Easter Sunday! I'll keep ya posted!!

CD4...

Well, I had a terrible sore throat yesterday, so before I went to bed I looked at it with a flashlight. Yep, puss....just a couple of little spots, but it's there. SO, I started some natural meds and am praying for healing. Last time this was a virus & the antibiotics did nothing. I'm praying, believing I'll be healed & in the meantime, I'm resting drinking LOTS of water & taking a natural antibiotic and gargling with salt water! This WILL be a great cycle & I won't let a sore throat keep me down!! ;o)

She's here!

AF found me on Wednesday (3/10/10)! I'm ready to get this show on the road! I'll start Femara on Sunday! I'm soooooo ready! I'm also working out regularly and I started a relaxation program on Thursday! It's called Circle & Bloom & it's made for fertility! About 15 minutes of guided relaxation every day....that & my quiet time & I'm feeling really good! Praying that the relaxation sessions will help with my stress levels. They've been through the roof for about 6 months....so this can't hurt. I'm praying believing this cycle will give us our bfp!! God Bless!!

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."
Phillipians 4:6-7

We're back!

Well, after 2 months on bcp....we're back and ready to get pregnant!! LOL! I've lost 12 lbs...which I'm SO excited about! And we feel as if we've had a great break....things in our lives were NOT relaxed during that time, but the Lord refreshed my soul & has given me amazing peace. I'm ready to face another round of ttc! We've had so much FUN with our family of 4 these past 2 months! I have been reminded over & over just how much my wonderful Savior has blessed me! I'm at peace with whatever the outcome of these months of fertility treatments bring. We'll be ttc until I'm 35 & then we'll stop. I'm at peace with that too!

Right now I'm waiting for AF to get here! Our protocol this month is....
7.5mg Femara cd5-9
Estradiol cd10-14
Prometrium 3dpo-?

I'm praying this combo works the first time!

OT, please pray for my parents. In January we put down some boundaries concerning our girls....Darling & I talked & prayed & felt at peace with our request. When I shared what we wanted, my dad just blew up at me. He & my mom are no longer speaking to us. My mom wouldn't even come to Little Miss's birthday party because it was in our home. I've cried, felt rejected, wondered if I was wrong....but I know that this is all part of God's plan for MY life. My parents self-imposed boycott of us has been a blessing in disguise. I'm so relieved! It's given me MUCH needed time to allow God to work in my life. The Lord has been pouring peace into my heart & I am so thankful. It still hurts when I know that my parents have invited all my siblings over for dinner or lunch or a football game or whatever & have purposefully left my family out.....but it isn't my problem. I didn't do anything wrong & I just have to trust the Lord to work it all out!

Life is totally unpredictable!

Well, several things are going on. Back in October, my mom tried to commit suicide....I don't think I've mentioned it here (just looked at past posts & I did mention it!). It was her second attempt & she wasn't successful (is that the right terminology? Sounds weird.), but that event made me take a long hard look at myself & my relationship with her. I won't go into the details, but that event triggered memories from my childhood....memories my mind had buried because they were too painful to deal with. I've been dealing with parts of that, but in December I used ttc to hide behind to "take a break" from the pain of getting things right in my life. Seeing that now, we've decided to take 3 months off from ttc. I need to focus on changing wrong thought patterns & really let the Lord do whatever it is that He needs to do to help me be whole. I'm terrified, but I know I can't stand here strapped to the zip line forever.....the ride may be terrifying, but getting to the other side & conquering my fears will be totally worth it!

Also, another, rather shallow, reason is that we have a trip to Disney World planned in September with the 2 daughters we actually have & I can't be walking around Disney World 1 month from my due date! Plus, I know my lining was REALLy thick but my period has been really light....so 3 months of bcp would probably be a really good idea.

I also need to lose about 30lbs and when we're ttc, that seems to take over my thoughs & focus!! LOL! So....3 months off to get healthy in every sense of the word and then back at ttc with a refreshed outlook!

Pray for me! I'll keep you updated! God Bless!